[Estimated reading time: 5 minutes] It’s a Wednesday in March and there are seven of us on the women’s leadership group call. I work as an editorial director on a marketing team in an education-oriented environment and have joined “Grace and Guts,” an embodied leadership program with a woman named LeeAnne Mallorie. We met at a Wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco, shared a mutual role model (clothing designer and entrepreneur Eileen Fisher) — and a certain serious playfulness in our approach to life. At the time, I knew that if I wanted to grow professionally, I needed to learn how. I signed up for the course.
The topic this month is saying “yes” and “no.” Baby stuff, right? We are women who run organizations, departments within organizations, or our own entrepreneurial ventures. We have households, spouses, children, and pets. We face “yes/no” decisions all the time. We take in facts, weigh priorities, make clear choices — and other people listen.
Yet … in the collective space of this call, we tell another, truer story: In the bigger picture, more often than not, we’re not clear, we don’t have our priorities straight, and we don’t listen — mostly, to ourselves. We often say “yes” to things we don’t want to do and don’t have time for, and especially to people we haven’t learned how to say “no” to. We definitely don’t say “yes” to ourselves often enough, to the things that are good for us and bring us the most joy — whether it’s a healthy breakfast, a 3-minute dance break in the middle of the workday, or learning how to play guitar.
One of the women mentions Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes’ popular memoir about overcoming crippling social anxiety and body issues through the practice of saying “yes” to everything for a year. It completely transformed her life. I’m a big Shonda fan. Talk about creative powerhouse.
“What I really need is a year of ‘no,’” says another woman — we all agree enthusiastically. I know that I say yes to others way too much. I generally try not to think about it and focus instead on getting it all done.
Ironically, I intentionally trained myself in saying “yes,” especially in a work environment. I used to be a “no” girl. Years ago, I worked as editorial director at a retreat center and when new ideas and projects came up, I was the person in the room calculating the time it would take, the availability of team members, my own to do list, and the alignment with the department’s priorities. I didn’t say “no” exactly but I was cautious, wanting to make sure we didn’t follow the energy of “yes” over a cliff of stress or wasted time and resources. Even if the ideas were great!
It happened that one of my closest colleagues always said “yes” to the new ideas. She didn’t seem attached to the practicalities, was willing to explore the concepts and pursue the possibilities. People responded to her enthusiasm. Why wouldn’t they? So I decided to start saying “yes”; to let the stress-and-time-and-personnel chips fall where they may. And it worked; I felt like less of a curmudgeon and more of a team player.
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A few years later, when I had begun working for myself, the “yes/no” conundrum came up again. One of the golden rules of freelancing is that you say “yes” to everything — you never know when the jobs might dry up. You want to be available. Luckily, I’d been practicing. So say “yes” I did.
Over time, the more I said “yes” to work, the less I said “yes” to me. I juggled projects and clients, I worked nights and weekends, I hired subcontractors. My personal creative projects could wait. Ending my unhappy marriage would have to happen down the road. Cooking, which I love to do, could be replaced by take-out and prepared meals from the local grocery store.
Enter the women’s leadership program. I needed help prioritizing. I needed perspective and a supportive group of women with whom I could be truthful about what I was struggling with. As it turned out, I also needed help with some basics. And I wasn’t alone.
During the “yes/no” call, the program leader had us pair up and practice saying only “yes” then only “no” in response to made-up invitations and offers, including our dream scenarios! We were to pay attention to what they each felt like in our bodies, to what was comfortable and what was uncomfortable — so we could begin to recognize our body wisdom the next time we were leaning toward saying the opposite of what we really wanted (or hiding behind “I don’t know”).
“I’d love to fly you out to Chicago to meet this great chef,” my partner began, “and I’ll pay you double your rate to work on writing his new cookbook. You’re the perfect person for it.”
My heart expanded, I felt uplifted and freed up — I realized I was smiling. I could so easily picture dropping everything and devoting myself to this. I knew this sensation I’d been cultivating on purpose very well, letting “yes” sweep me off my feet like a teen-girl crush on a music idol. Regrouping, I exhaled and said “no.”
All of us on the call reported that we would need to practice more with saying “no,” especially in actual life and work circumstances. We felt bad about letting people down. We were susceptible to flattery. We thought no one else could do what needed doing the right way so we might as well do it ourselves.
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There’s a part of me that doesn’t like any of this. I wish it weren’t true that even strong, creative, successful women have a hard time saying “no,” that they choose to please others over prioritizing their own needs and desires. And I really dislike the fact that I am one of the women to whom this applies.
I mention in an email to a friend of mine that I’m working with “yes” and “no” — focusing on getting clearer about my priorities and listening more to my body. She writes back: “Lately I’ve been playing with the idea that there’s a ‘yes’ in every ‘no.’” She had just turned down an attractive job offer for a good reason. “In the end, the ‘no’ to them was actually a big ‘yes’ to me.”
On the call, we acknowledge that it’s not all black and white and that the solution is not that we simply needed to say one or the other more often. Sure, some people will be called, like Shonda, to do something big. Great. Because she knew, we all do, that in some ways, the “yes” and “no” are beside the point — we are learning to listen to our body signals and to get conscious about what we are choosing and why. Each of us has our own “point of practice,” as the program leader describes it. One woman on the call realizes that she always says “I don’t know” when her husband asks where she wants to go for dinner. Another isn’t completely clear on what she is looking for in a new job, and therefore, what she should say “no” to. I share that I always say “yes” to new work projects and already working 60-80 hours a week.
The leader reminds us that this assignment is about getting more skillful with where we put our attention and energy so we can go after what we really want. The final question she has us ask ourselves is this: “What is important enough to me right now that I am willing to risk saying ‘no’ or ‘yes’ in new ways?” I knew my answer right away. I’d been neglecting my personal creative writing practice for too long; I wanted to find more time to write.
I can’t say that two months after the call, I’ve got it all figured out — or that I haven’t take on a commitment or two too many since then. A couple of times, rather than say “no,” I’ve avoided responding altogether, which, while uncomfortable, kept me from the automatic “yeses” I would otherwise have given. And I did experiment with saying “yes” to myself more often: One late afternoon, I shut down the computer on the earlier side, stepped away from my desk, and went for a walk; I got the ingredients to make a red lentil soup that I love; and I attended a meditation class I was curious about.
But the biggest yes of all? I found the time to write this essay.
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Daring to Say “No”
from LeeAnn Mallorie, founder of Guts and Grace
These journal questions are a great way to start reflecting on your own comfort with “no” — then you can try putting a few into practice.
- What is one outstanding invitation that you want to decline but haven’t yet?
- What is one thing you said “yes” to recently, but would rather have said “no”? Why didn’t you say “no”? Is there room to renegotiate?
- What is one task that you need to take OFF your to do list immediately?
- Who are three people in your life that you need to practice saying “no” to more often? What will be challenging about that?
March 2021 GraceNote It’s a few years since I wrote this. I loved finding it, reading these core lessons (I needed a review!). I loved remembering how much gratitude I have for LeeAnn. Hope you found it helpful in some way. Definitely check out LeeAnn’s website if you’re curious — including her Guts and Grace book (available through her website). PS A version of this piece originally appeared on Eileen Fisher’s LifeNotes, one of my favorite projects.
